Some of you may find it a surprise that I would adopt again from China, as I did too!
As many of you know, I adopted my daughter, Ashelynn, from China in September 2015; which was and is absolutely amazing! I thought I would only adopt one time, but like the rest of my life, things don't always work out as I imagine them to.
A little background about my family and myself:
I am a divorced, single mom to my biological son, Cade, who is now 11.5 years. I was married for years, and divorced back in 2009. Since then, I moved on, and fulfilled my life-long dream and passion of adopting a little girl from China. I adopted Ashelynn, and she has been in America for almost 24 months now. She was almost 8 years old when she came home. Ashelynn was an older child with several "special needs", but her biggest need, was she needed a forever family. She has thrived and is doing so well. Since home in the USA, she has already had a spinal surgery, and foot surgery to correct her clubfoot. She has one more surgery left on her leg in a few years. She is a warrior and an overcomer, and I'm so glad I get to be her Forever Mom.
Cade has become the best big brother! It hasn't always been easy, but he true angel and protector. He's a strong, smart, and sweet son.
And, now, I'm starting the long adoption process again to bring my new son home. Follow this blog to watch the journey unfold, as I have no idea what is going to happen or how it will all work out. The thing I do know is, I am taking a step of faith out of obedience to follow what God has called me to do.
To date, I have already "accepted a file" and "know" who my son is! (Due to privacy & security reasons, I can't reveal too much about him yet, until I'm further along in the process.) This week, I have already sent off my first set of initial forms to the adoption agency and made a payment. I can't wait to bring him home, very soon!!
Can't wait to be a family of 4! Three little Panda Bears and a Momma Bear in our Den! <3
My theme song for this adoption is "God Help Me" by Plum. You can listen to it
here. It speaks my heart. <3
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How it all came to be, you might be wondering.... Read the below journal about how I got "the calling" to adopt, yet again, specifically, a little boy.
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To obey God or not to obey God? That is MY question.
That is my dilemma.
If God calls you to do something specific, are we as Christians suppose to obey it? What if it’s really, really hard, expensive, time consuming, will change your entire life, wreck your life, be against the norm, people are going to question you and make fun of you??…. are we still supposed to obey it even then??
What if God calls you to do something, but you KNOW you are not qualified? Can we get out of then?
How come we say we have faith, but when it comes time to actually put our faith into practice, we can’t and it’s so hard?
These are my questions I have been battling for 2.5 years now.
Below is the story…. not my story, but God’s story! His story is still being written, and I would love for you to journey through it with me.
April 2, 2017
I can’t believe it’s happening. I don’t even know how to process it. God has a BIG calling for me, and I’m in complete denial. And, a calling I wasn’t excepting, and frankly, didn’t want.
It all started in January 2015, over two years ago, as I was sitting at my little home desk on my computer filing out my dossier paperwork to bring Ashelynn home from China. I was immersed in adoption paperwork and thinking of bringing a little girl home, and being super stressed of the mountains of paperwork and work I needed to do to make it all happen.
And then it happened.
I felt God say directly to me out of nowhere,
“You are going to go back and get a little boy from China.”
I remembered that moment, as I literally laughed out loud, and pushed my chair back away from the desk as I was working on Ashelynn’s adoption paperwork. Ha, I’m must be delirious from all the paperwork and stress!
“Ummmmm God?!? I’m not even finished with adoption #1 and not even sure how it’s all going to work out. Duh. Don’t you know I can’t even think about adoption #2 now. Let me get through the first adoption first. Geez.”
I pushed that thought to the side, and was in complete denial! I continued on with my first adoption, and it went amazingly well. God provided everything and made a way, and it was just perfect. Ashelynn is now home in American and my forever daughter, and I couldn’t be happier.
Throughout the next two years, I got subtle hints from God I am suppose to go back to China and get a little boy. Each time, I pushed the thoughts aside. Each time, they got louder and stronger sense.
I remember when I first came back to America after bringing Ashelynn home, I went back to work. Random people that I know through work said to me, “Aren’t you adopting another one?” I would say quickly, “NO!!” and the replies would be like, “Oh, for some reason I thought you were and did adopt two kids from China?” You will (nor me) not believe how many people said similar things to me. And each time, I could just feel God giving me a “wink”, like saying “I told you so. Even strangers know you have another child out there.” Ugh, God. WHY??!?!
Then, a week ago, Sunday March 26, 2017, Cade, Ashelynn, and me were driving from church to go eat lunch. Ashelynn is in the back seat of one of her normal-adoption-break-downs-temper-tantrums, and I’m starving for lunch, not really thinking about anything, and in that moment, God said so LOUDLY and CLEARLY, “Shari, you must go back to China and get your son! He’s a boy waiting for you. Listen to me!”
Instant tears bubbled in my eyes. “WHAT the ?!?!?! Seriously God. I can’t have another kid! Look, the one I do have is having an “adoption breakdown” and YOU are asking ME to adopt another. NO! Just NO God!”
We go in and have lunch. I’m literally shaking from the inside out. God has spoken to me again in the worst time at the worst moment. I’m in shock. I’m now nauseous. I can barely think straight. My starving appetite is now completely gone.
The whole day, I wasn’t thinking clearly at all and just broken down. In my weak moment, I text my best best friend who knows more about me than anyone should, and I said, “God called me again. He wants me to go get my son now.” And her replied was yet another confirmation she said, “Really?! I just thought about that today, and was wondering if you are still going to adopt again.” !!!!! Tears. She’s a very strong Christian lady and knew called had earlier called me to this. And, to have her think about it the same time God was calling me was another confirmation to me.
I thought I could shake these emotions and this “calling” off by the next day, but it was only stronger feelings. I HAD to get this out of my mind! As the days went on, the calling was stronger, thicker, louder, and more harsh. The next day I turned on the TV and somehow landed on a Bible cartoon show that talked about Jonah and his disobedience to God..… you know how the Bible story goes - Jonah disobeys God, so he is overthrown in the water and lives in a whale for 3 days. “Okay God, if I don’t obey this adoption calling, please don’t let a fish eat me for 3 days!”, I thought.
Then a day later, all in one day: randomly my car breaks down, had to get towed; Ashelynn has a HUGE meltdown, and I burn my hand while cooking dinner - all within hours of each other. And, all the while, I have adopting a son from China on my mind, fighting with God about it. In the middle of this “beautiful mess” with big tears in my eyes, and I’m crying out to God in the inside “WHY?!?! STOP!! NOT ME!!! I’ll go to Africa for 2 months, anything BUT adopt, GOD!!! God, I’m not qualified! Why you always give me the ‘hard’ jobs?!?! Why can’t I get an easier calling!?!? —- Like rescuing puppies?!?!” God, gently said to me,
“Satan only attacks the ones that I’m using.”
At that moment, I realized what was happening. I literally laughed out loud with tears in my eyes.
I had this same “attacks” from Satan while I was adopting Ashelynn. So many things went crazy, so many “bad” days, pain and hurt.
It’s been exactly a week since I got the biggest voice from God yet, and I have yet to get it out of my mind. I’ve been in prayer. I’ve been on adopting sights, and tonight I emailed my agency’s social worker.
I can’t believe this. I’m still in shock. Adopting Ashelynn was “easy”. I WANTED her badly!!! I ALWAYS have dreamed of her and wanted her. I thought I would adopt one time and one time only. But, oh how small are our human thoughts, and how Great is our God. Ashelynn was an “easy” obedience for me. I didn’t think about it, worry, analysis it, fight it, nothing. I wanted her! This calling is HARD! It’s big. It’s not what my little human mind imagined. It’s against my wishes and I have a million excuses and reasons to NOT adopt anymore, and in which they are probably logical just like you are probably thinking or fearing.
Why doesn’t God just give me a husband - not another orphan?! A husband would be easier, and I WANT…..er, actually NEED….a husband! Doesn’t HE know that?!?!! Umm, God, not sure if you remember, but I’m a single mom to two kids, and YOU are asking ME to adopt a third kid!! You are CRAZY!!!! You must think you are God or something.
Oh, how little are my thoughts and how human am I!!
I am reminded of the saying, “God doesn’t call the equipped - He equips the called.” Well, God better definitely equipped me good, because I am FOR SURE NOT equipped at all!!!
I’m in the middle of spiritual battle, a storm, right now. I have no idea how, when, why this is all going to work out. I have no idea if anyone is going to accept this or me. I have no idea how I’m going to make it work.
But what I DO know is, God is always with me. God always provides - and so far in my situation - abundantly. And, God is in control.
And, I do know, it doesn’t matter what others think, but it does matter what God thinks and tells us to do. We just have to obey. If we do our best and what we are called to do, God will do the rest, in His timing and in His will.
I’m just asking if you feel called, for support, encouragement, prayer, gentleness, positivity, and love.
Thanks for reading about my journey so far.
To be continued……….
June 25, 2017
The calling of adopting a boy from China has yet to leave my mind! And, I fight it every time. I have even reached out to a few agencies and they have sent me some boys to look over.
One in particular, caught my eye!! My only concern with him, was it would put my kids out of birth-order, and that’s a big deal to me. I have tried to reach out to family that hosted him last year, but we have yet to get connected. Maybe that’s a sign…??
However, the other day, as I was scrolling through my Facebook feeds, I noticed this one boy, instantly! There was a story about him on “No Hands but Ours”, and I immediately knew something was different about him.
He’s a “healthy” boy that just turned 7 years old, and has been up for adoption his whole life, and still waiting for his family. Broke my heart! Again, I felt God saying, “Shari, you are going back to get a son.”
I reached out to the agency he is with, and they are hoping he finds his family soon.
Oh man. My emotions are all over the board!! My heart says yes, my head says no, and God says YES!!!!
I can’t get him out of my mind! For 3 days now! Such a strong calling for him. My heart is breaking for him!
So today, I went for a run in which I haven’t done in a couple of months, and I knew I would find God on my “sanctuary” - aka: Mitch Park running trails. (The same trails I used to run and talk to God when I was going through my divorce, and when I was in the adoption process with Ashelynn. The only place I can truly “hear” God and have a back and forth conversation with Him.)
I knew my heart and emotions are racing, so I needed some alone time with God. And, guess what… I found God alright. I heard him again loud and clear. I was in tears during that 3 miles. (Luckily, I was wearing sunglasses today so no one could see the tears.)
I cried out to God, “God, I can’t adopt him. Why ME?!?!! Why don’t you pick someone more equipped? I can’t afford this? I’m a single mom? 3 kids, God? REALLY?!?! Do you know what you are doing to me? Where are YOU?!?!!” God said to me, “Shari, Listen to me. I will equipped you. Look what I have done for you so far! I haven’t left you yet. I know what I am doing. I not only have gone before you, and am already there! It’s all done. I just need YOU to obey Me, and go. I’ll lead the way.” I said to God, “ Okay, then you better give me your strength to do this. You better feel me with extra extra Holy Spirit. All I’m holding onto is YOU. You know, I have nothing to fall back on. And, You better prepare the hearts of my parents, Cade, and Ashelynn, my co-workers, and friends. You know I’ll need their support. And, you better prepare me, and my new son.” And, “the talk” with God went on and on….
During this talk with God while I was running, I told God, “Give me a sign! A confirmation that this is all true. Show me it’s true by the next person I see on the track is Asian.”
Would you believe it….. I turned a corner on the trail, and there was an Asian-looking lady walking towards me!!! I literally turned my head and starred at her to make sure! What the?!?!!? “God!!!” Ha!
I left the trails at peace and understanding what I am to do.
I am so scarred. I have no idea how this is going to turn out. I just know what I am called to do.
The journey continues….
July 19, 2017
The calling of adopting the boy has yet to leave my mind, as much as I try to block it and deny it. It’s gotten so overwhelming, and so many crazy random things have happened.
In the last two months:
*my car’s transmission went out
*my car’s water pump & radiator went out
*my TV broke
*my lawn mower broke
*water slab leak in my house and no hot water for 12 days
*my pay check was wrong
All the while, I’m dealing with Ashelynn’s foot surgery and recovery, as we are driving back and forth to St Louis for months.
It’s been so many recent mishaps, my mom even said to me the other day, “If it wasn’t for bad luck, you wouldn’t have any luck at all.” I kind of laughed inside, because I wanted to say to her, “No, mom, it’s just me being disobedient to God’s calling about going to go get your new grandson that you have no idea about.” (I’m sure if I would have said that, I would have gotten the death, scarred look, in which, I don’t blame her.) But instead, I just said, “Yeah.”
Because of this random mishaps, I am more convinced it is God’s calling for me to go soon and get him! I am again reminded of Jonah and his disobediences to God, so much, that he was swallowed by a whale for 3 days. (Remember how my story started out, when randomly the TV was on some kid-Bible show about Jonah?!) So, I AM Jonah and knowingly being very disobedient to God. I AM in the “whale” with all the misfortunes happening to me.
Yesterday, I “shared” on my Facebook page, the post about all the boys from China from agency that are available to be adopted - one of the boys I was “in review” with at the time. (I was actually hoping someone else would see it and adopt him, so I wouldn’t have to. He is still to-date available for adoption, which still breaks my heart.)
A couple weeks ago, China changed all his rules/regulations for adoptions. Some of them were big changes which will prohibit some families from adopting. So knowing this news, I contacted my adoption agency, and was secretively praying that I am now NOT qualified to adopt under the new guidelines, but she came back and said, YES, everything still looks perfect and I’m able to still adopt with the new China rules.
Today, I met with a dear mentor friend at a low-key, lunch restaurant. A beautiful believer in Christ. I shared with her my new calling. She gave me lots of words of encouragement and had a great talk. As we were leaving, I noticed a sign above the trash can that read “China & Silverware”. HA. China?!? This place does NOT even have anything remotely close to China dishes! LOL Really God!?! Now you are even using the trashcans at random restaurants to remind me to go to China!? Confirmation #124101
I have so many confirmations that I am to go adopt. But, my biggest fear is my family, and how Cade will accept it. I pray God can soften his heart to having a little brother.
So, I believe soon, I will be talking more to Cade, and Ashelynn, and then slowly start the process, and start announcing that new news.
This all keeps up awake at nights thinking about it, praying about it, and crying……
Open hands… I’m all yours God….
July 21, 2017
Last week, I joined a dating app in hopes these ideas would leave my mind and I could push them aside; in hopes I would find “the one” because of course, I would love to have a husband and a helper. (And, to prove to God, that I AM in control and know what’s best for ME! haha!) And, all the while, talking and going out on dates, I still couldn’t push the thoughts aside. I would sit there with them in restaurants trying to pretend I was interested in them, but really, I was just trying to numb out the thoughts of adopting, but still yet those thoughts persisted. I met some beautiful men, just the timing isn’t right on my behalf. So, I have given up (again) the idea of trying to date now, when I know I have a much bigger calling and purpose. I am to go now and get my son.
I’m starting to finally accept the idea of adding one more to my family.
And, ironically…. things have quit “breaking” on me!
Today, I mentioned it to both Cade & Ashelynn separately about adding a brother to the family, and to my surprise, they both accepted it and were on board! They both had lots of questions for me, but also a sense of excitement.
So, I conquered one of my biggest fears - my kids accepting the news. My next step is getting his medical file reviewed by a doctor, which is being done this weekend.
Today, when I walked into my downtown office this morning, I was randomly greater by a co-worker whom said, “Aren’t you adopting another kid?” What the…?!?! Confirmation #13234234. To which I replied, “We will see…. Of course I would want a 100 of them.” HA. We both laughed.
Still trying to go slow and process everything…
July 26, 2017
I had a pediatrician friend review the boys file for me. (Thank you for doing that!!) And, I got to talk to her.
It was good and bad. It came up that he has some brain abnormalities. Brain issues are not what I’m wanting or feel like I can deal with long term. I can do some special needs that are fixable via surgery/medicine/PT, but brain/cognitive issues concern me.
I actually got kind of depressed about that. I think my hopes were high that he was the one. But, it also showed me, I am starting to WANT to adopt again! What the ?!?! I’m coming to peace with God’s calling on my life again.
As I thought about this boy more and more, I’m not so sure, he is the one. So, I went back on the agency’s website and another boy jumped out at me! How did I over look this one before?!?! Where did he come from??
So, now, I am looking into this little boy, and reviewing his information. The more I dig deeper into this, my heart is slowly cracking and coming to terms to accepting it.
I have both my kids’ name tatoo’d on my wrist; the other night, I had a dream I was getting my new son’s name tattooed on my wrist below Ashelynn’s name! Not sure if that was a nightmare or dream! HA. But it did wake me up, and I’m slowly warming up to the idea of adding another child to my little family.
I’m asking God, “Are you sure, God? You know these kids have trauma and issues? Haven't you seen the kids with the attachment disorders? Man, God. I don’t know if I can do this. I’m so scarred what happens when they come home.”
And, God says to my heart, “I know everything. I created them. I know their situation and what has happened. I’m pretty sure I have the universe in my hands and control. You don’t have to worry. I got this.”
I love that song (and ironically it’s been on the radio everyday this week!) that says, “
“God, why don’t You do something?” He said, “I did, yeah, I created you”
Hopefully, I will know more soon about him, and maybe make the leap of faith, and say YES. Prayers, and fingers crossed.
What am I doing?!?!……..
August 7th,
I did get the little boy’s update and review from a Pediatrician friend about his file…and as I suspected, it is GOOD!! He is “healthy” as far as know. There maybe a few little issues, but like all kids there, there is a few flags.
As soon as I hung up the phone with the doctor reviewing his file, my phone instantly “dinged” the “daily Bible verse,” and it was “With man this is impossible, but with God all things are possible.” Matthew 19:26. More tears - I know this is a hard thing to adopt - AGAIN. But “with God all things ARE possible.” That was my little reminder and confirmation that I can do this, and God has our backs.
So, I feel more lead to start moving forward with this boy. If it’s meant to be, it will all go through and go well. And, I’m preparing myself for more “spiritual battles” as I go through the tedious, long work of adoption.
August 30, 2017
I was silent for awhile in this journal, because I went into a little depression phase. Reminded me so much of Ashelyn’s process, all the emotions that come with the process.
The 2nd boy I had reviewed actually came back with mental issues and behavior issues. After much thought and prayer, I again declined another file. And, to-date, this little boy is STILL waiting for his forever family. Still breaks my heart.
So, after a little break, an agency sent me a file of another boy. Boy #3!
At this point, I don’t want to get my hopes up high at all. After sending his file to a doctor for review, and getting the answers returned from his orphanage, he looks good. And… today was a BIG day!!!
I said YES to his file!! His file is now off the adoption sites, and I’m “locked in” with him. As of today, I am starting the long process of adoption, again. Yes, it’s the same process as I did for Ashelynn, but with a different adoption agency. He is in a different Providence than her, but also speaks Mandarin and loves noodles.
This little boy’s process will take about 8-10 months, give or take. The countdown as already started.
It’s such a big day, I wish everyone already knew!! I can no post specifics or photos of him until further along in the process. But, once I can, I for sure will! He’s adorable!!!
This morning, I spent an hour crying and praying about it all. After I talked to the agency, I felt a since of peace and excitement.
The Adoption Journey as Started!!!!!
To be continued…..
